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Title: Profiler, Profiled: The Aftermath
Epilogue





Six months later

It is on a clear and mild day at the beginning of spring that he finally returns.

Everything is going as usual until then, no indication that Spencer Reid's day is about to pass any differently from the ones before.

He wakes curled up against Aaron's side, his lover's fingers combing lazily through his hair. He smiles contently as he cuddles closer to him, lovingly nuzzling his neck.

As so often, they take the few moments they have before they need to get up to just lay there, enjoying each other's peaceful company.

A lot of things have changed for Reid since Morgan left and he counts himself fortunate that Aaron isn't among the things he had to wave goodbye.

They shower and eat in peaceful harmony before getting into Aaron's car and driving to the BAU. They are still not official, can never hope to become official without one of them at least being transferred, so officially they are carpooling -but the team is by far not as oblivious as they pretend to be when Strauss is present.

How can they be after everything that happened that day? They weren't there, granted, but they would have to be blind not to pick up on what happened between three of their closest colleagues.

JJ greets them with a warm smile as they enter the bullpen. Reid smiles back, feeling the fleeting touch of Aaron's hand on the small of his back before the older man walks towards his office.

Reid walks over to chat with JJ, Emily and Rossi before they need to start working. David Rossi is new on their team, sent to fill the gap that Morgan's sudden departure left. He's nice enough if a little gruff sometimes but Reid still can't help but be reminded of who should be in his desk every time he looks at the man.

They keep a fragile balance, living day by day.

The first few weeks afterwards were hard, with the team prying as to what exactly happened that dreadful night and Strauss demanding explicit answers from all of them. Their official version is that Morgan got mad over something thoughtless Hotch said about his past and Buford. Not very flattering to Hotch of course but it was the safest and easiest thing to do without giving all of the away.

Right after the incident, Hotch was hell-bent on persecuting Morgan any way possible, to tell Strauss everything and make sure he got arrested no matter the cost. It took all the strength that he had left out to of Reid to convince him otherwise, to protect what they had left instead of trying to get revenge.

That doesn't mean he can't see the flicker in Hotch´s eyes every time he wakes up shaken from a particularly bad nightmare, every time he flinches at being touched unexpectedly. Or roughly.

Needless to say what Morgan did has put a damper on their extracurricular activities. Overall, they still have great sex, but Hotch refuses strictly to even revisit the subject of role-playing. He gets that small panicked flicker in his eyes the few times it comes up, like he is flashing back to a particularly unpleasant memory.

Reid can't really get himself to try and convince him otherwise.

He hates that what happened has damaged them so profoundly, even if it is just that minor aspect of their lives. Sometimes he hates Morgan. Hates him for taking the inherent trust he used to hold and shatter it with a few hurtful words and actions. Hates him for betraying his friendship the way he did, in the most painful kind of way. Sometimes he thinks that if he sees Morgan again in a hundred years it will still be too soon.

Most of the time though he just feels pity for him because he knows no matter how much Hotch, or even he might resent Morgan it will never even come close to how much Morgan must hate himself.

No matter where he is right now, or how he is living, Reid doubts that that broken, devastated look has left his eyes yet, that the freshly reopened scars of that night have even come close to healing. After all, if it has taken him six months to even recover partially, it will take Morgan so much longer.

And then he worries because they haven't heard a single word from him in half a year. For all they know he could be dead.

That's why he almost doesn't believe his eyes when he goes for coffee across the street during his lunch break and sees Morgan sitting at one of the tables like he was never gone, watching him with hooded eyes from across the room.

His initial reaction is one of shock, and he almost drops his coffee as the sight of his former best friend´s face takes him right back to the last time they saw each other.

His second though is that Hotch will kill Morgan if he happens to find them both here.

As it is, Hotch is back in his office, waiting for Reid to bring him his coffee and they are all alone in midst of a crowd of strangers.

For a long moment they merely stare at each other from a distance, Reid's heart feeling like it might jump out of his chest at any second, his stomach churning.

Morgan looks tired, older somehow and his eyes still have that same broken expression about them that Reid always sees in his nightmares. It isn't as pronounced anymore but it is still there, underneath forced calm.

After he hasn't moved in what seems like a small eternity, Morgan gets up, taking a small step towards him. Then another one when Reid remains frozen on the spot. By the time the younger agent regains his bearings, they are barely two feet apart.

Reid feels his pulse thrumming in his ears as Morgan's eyes glide over his features, his whole appearance. It's hard to tell how he feels about what he´s seeing.

But then, it's momentarily just as hard for Reid to figure out his own feelings, much less those of the other man.

xx

After months on the road, with not a single friendly, familiar face, Reid looks so much like home that Morgan almost cries right then and there.

Before he can really think his actions through, he feels his body move of its own accord, stepping up to the young doctor.

Shock flickers over Reid's features along with some other emotions he´d rather not decipher. He wants to hug Reid so badly it almost hurts physically but then he barely lifts a hand and Reid takes half a step back out of his reach instantly, eyeing his hand as though it were a snake about to strike.

It sends a sharp pang of pain through Morgan's chest. He does his best to live in the after these days, having realized that at some point he has to get past the darkness holing him back. Maybe he expected Reid to have done the same. His expression now is an unwelcome trip down memory lane, one Morgan would rather avoid but which he knows is necessary.

They both stare at each other silently and Morgan can't help but think how fragile Reid looks, like a beautiful vase that has been thrown to the ground and splintered into a million tiny shards before being glued back together. He thinks he can see the breakages if he just looks the right way, just like he can imagine what -or who to be more precise- acted as the glue here.

He quickly moves on from that; he doesn't want to think of Hotch. Even after all these month, even believing that the man loves Reid he still can't grasp the concept of their relationship. Doesn't want to honestly. And that´s not what he's here for anyway, not for more discussions or fights, no.

Six month into his solitary confinement he has come to the conclusion that no disagreement is important enough to live without the young doctor in his life.

*Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you*

He struggles for words, everything he has rehearsed suddenly buried somewhere at the back of his mind.

"Reid, please. Just give me one minute." he all but pleads quietly, doing his best to look nothing but rueful. If Reid turns and runs out now, he knows he´ll never see him again. Especially not if he tells Hotch.

"Please."

He thinks he sees Reid shudder at the sound of his voice and for a second he thinks he is just going to bolt. Then though, after watching his troubled expression intently for a long minute, his jaw sets and he nods minimally.

"Thank you," Morgan breathes a sigh of relief for the chance he´s been given, "Do you want to go-?"

"No," Reid interjects immediately, like he can't help the word from spilling out and Morgan wants to kick himself for his thoughtless phrasing.

Of course he doesn't want to be alone with him. On his better days, Morgan likes to think that Reid knows he was never going to really physically hurt him – but instinct remains instinct, insurmountable.

"There's a table." he says instead, pointing to the booth he has just gotten out of. It's a little to the side but there are still more than enough people around.

It's depressing to realize that he even thinks about something like that, but there is no avoiding it with the way Reid is acting, watching him guardedly. Whatever trust there was between them has clearly been severed profoundly.

They sit on opposite sides of the table and Morgan tries to find the right words to start as Reid fidgets on his bench, looking to the counter, the door, anywhere but at him.

"How have you been?" he eventually tires.

Reid's lips are pressed into a thin line and thinks he sees a brief expression of anger flashing across his face, then it becomes carefully withdrawn again.

"Is there something specific you came here for, Morgan?" he asks instead of an answer, voice carefully detached.

Morgan thinks he can see the emotion boiling just under the surface. Clearly, Reid isn't all that happy about this situation. He has to try anyway, say what he has to say, see if there's anything left to save.

"I…yes." He starts over, cutting the small talk this time, "I'm here to apologize. I feel horrible about what happened between us…the things I said, how I treated you –I never meant to lose control like that. I never meant to hurt you."

He looks up at Reid out of pleading eyes which he knows reflect all of his pain and regret and can only hope that Reid will believe what he is seeing. He has never been so sorry for something in his entire life.

*I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken*

Reid is silent for a long few seconds, his expression wavering between anger and hurt.

"Well, you did." he finally says, almost matter of factly, in contrast to his obvious inner turmoil.

He stares at his clenched hands on the table for a moment. When he looks up at Morgan again his anger breaks through for a moment, eyes unusually hard, "So what do you want now, for me to say I forgive you? That everything is fine again and that you can come back to the team?"

Morgan shakes his head, pained at the hostility he is faced with, "I'm not here because I want my old job back, Reid. I know I can't—not after everything."

That fact is a painful one but he has come to terms with it.

He leans forward and reaches across the table, trying to ignore the way Reid pulls his hands back, avoiding contact. "I only came back because…I just can't go on leaving things like this between the two of us. I know I didn't show it, but you mean too much to me for that."

Reid tenses slightly at the last part so Morgan is quick to add, "I want us to try to be friends again."

He almost expects Reid to answer gruffly again, disputing his words. Maybe the fact that he doesn't is a sign that the desperation in Morgan's gaze is getting to him, maybe it's just exhaustion.

This time the silence stretches between them and Morgan begins to wish Reid will say anything, even if it is just to vent is anger.

"Where have you been?" Reid asks after a long time, his expression softening a little with that unexpected question, his voice so soft Morgan barely hears him.

It doesn't sound accusing, but like he really wonders about it. Maybe even like he worried about it at some point.

It gives Morgan a tiny bit of hope that not all is lost yet, that Reid might still have a tiny space in his heart for him after all this time.

"Here and there," he shrugs, "I stayed with my family in Chicago for some time, working through things. I figured with Buford gone, I might start helping out more regularly at the youth center."

"That's…" Reid starts, then breaks off in mid sentence, looking at the table top, "Oh."

Morgan can tell he wanted to say good, but probably remembered in mid sentence that Morgan maybe isn't the best person to help other people deal with their problems. He doesn't say so though and Morgan is immensely glad for that fact somehow.

"Nothing's set in stone yet," he explains further, trying to sound like he´s sure of what he´s doing, "but…I've been seeing someone, getting help. In time I think it might work out well."

Reid nods slowly, biting at his lower lip unconsciously, "Oh, that's good then."

"Are you-?"

"I´ve…been seeing a therapist, too." Reid admits quietly, "And Ho…Aaron has been there for me."

Morgan can feel some of the tension hat has fallen off of Reid in the past minutes returning at the mention of Hotch but refuses to even get into that topic, afraid that he will screw this up.

Truth is, he wants for Reid to relax around him and be less on edge but he knows they can't keep beating around the bush even if it will be hard for the both of them. He doesn't want for them to sit here and pretend there isn't this huge void between them. No, if Reid can't forgive him, can't get past what happened he will have to accept that, but he has to know he tried.

"Reid…Spencer," he says quietly, scared to even use the other man´s first name, "I know how much I must have hurt you with what I did. I'm not here to make excuses for that, because there aren't any. I don't expect you to let me back into your life. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness…I just…it kills me…and I need it, Spencer. Please, I'll do anything."

*I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.*

Reid looks at him in silence for a long time, his inner conflict clearly painted onto his face. He thinks he sees the first traces of softness there, thinks he sees Reid looking for any sign that Morgan is still the man he used to know.

Morgan can feel his own heart hammering away in his chest as he waits, his stomach clenching in fear of what he will get to hear.

Reid he takes a heavy breath, running a hand through his hair in what looks like exhaustion, "No one´s even heard from you in months, Morgan. We…I…after everything, you can't expect to fix everything with just a few words."

"I know that. I´ll do anything you want…we can take it one step at a time. Just let me prove to you—"

He´s well aware that he must sound desperate by the end of that sentence, so scared of losing Reid for good after seeing him now has shown him just how much he really missed him. He would like to say more, but there isn't really anything else he can throw into the pot.

It's up to Reid now.

There's so much uncertainty and wariness in the hazel eyes staring at him from across the table that it is impossible to predict what kind of an answer he will get. When Reid suddenly gets up he feels his heart practically sink into his stomach, barely clamping down on the urge to reach out and grab the other man´s hand.

"I have to get back to work," he says quietly, eyes at the door already as he fumbles with the strap of his satchel nervously, "Aaron will start to worry."

It takes all of his strength out of Morgan to nod, to keep his utter devastation to show completely on his face.

"Of course," he hears himself say as he stares down at the table top, eyes burning, "I understand."

There is no reply for a long time, so long indeed that he is almost sure Reid has just turned around and left him to wallow in his misery. When he does hear his voice again, hesitant but definitely there, it's almost like a douse of warm water washing over him.

"I…I haven't changed my cell phone number," Reid murmurs, eyes still on the door, "Maybe we can…get some coffee sometime. Sort things out before you go back to Chicago."

It isn't much, hell Reid neither looks too convinced nor is he making eye contact, but it is still much more than he deserves.

"I'd like that," Morgan nods after a moment, taking what feels like the first real breath in a really long time.

*Can you forgive me again?
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you*

xx

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future. –Lewis B. Smedes

xx

The End.

Lyrics: "Forgive me" by Evanesence.

Thanks you reading and all your reviews. Have a nice summer everybody :-)